Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Expressions We Know and Hate

How many current common expressions exist that me and thee get sick of hearing? Some of them are so overused they have ceased to mean anything at all anymore. Surely there is more creative language that could be put to use.

For me, one of these insanity-inducing expressions is "it is what it is." Now it's awfully hard for something to be what it isn't, that's true. We know that, though. Why not at least try to describe what it is instead of leaving it up to out fertile imaginations?

Another one is "if you will." By God, perhaps I WON'T! Leave it up to the listener, and chances are he's been a rebel his whole life and he won't. It might be a good idea just to state that you have uttered your opinion. Explain your position if you want. Leaving it up to others whether they will is just asking for trouble.

I'm also sick of  the word "arguably" thrown in willy-nilly whenever one is expressing an opinion. You are perfectly allowed to own your opinion without inviting an argument about it. If you think a novel is the best ever, then for heaven's sake just say so. 

Dear reader, feel free to jump in and suggest your own personal vomit-inducing phrases. IF you will!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Hooka Tooka My Veeblefetzers?

It was when I was in class to learn how to be a drone, er employee, in a large local call center, that I realized I was getting older. How was I so informed? By my young classmates, who understood not a word of my cultural references.

If you have never heard the genius lyrics to the smash hit "Hooka Tooka My Soda Cracker" (I used hooka tooka to find out who stole my desk calendar) then you're really unlikely to relate to a "veeblefetzer" reference cleverly dropped while discussing a computer program you've never heard of in your life. All about veeblefetzers:

Important Veeblefetzer information

Now it was my favorite reading material in seventh and eighth grade, Mad Magazine -- a detour on the way to the more mature National Lampoon -- which introduced me to the aforementioned veeblefetzer. This has been a handy word for me to reach for throughout my life. The more the memory loss sets in, the more I find myself uttering it.

And in this training class I first had to acknowledge that my vocabulary is entirely too full of "cultural references." However, I don't feel too much like the "Lone Ranger" (there's another!) because I could spout "Seinfeld" lines and plots and be entirely understood. Sadly, a younger friend of mine had never, ever watched Seinfeld. You might say he felt like a cake someone left out in the rain.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I Reject My Final Frontier

Much of my life is lived on the keyboard. My work, play, news, socialization has largely been computer based since December of 1996 when I bought my first computer. I now  have an all-in-one desktop, a Nook, an iPad, a Laptop. I believe obtaining all these devices disqualifies me from being a Luddite.

However, there is still one device I don't have and hope to never have: a cell phone. I see individuals carrying these around streets and shopping malls, and it would seem that nobody is ever off their cell phone. The first irritation I receive from these phones is the fact they cause people to crash into me and then give me an angry look that seems to say "why don't you look where you're going?" It seems like they could glance up from their all-absorbing texting and avoid running an old lady down but NO.

Also, why do I want to give anybody the ability to find me anytime day or night? I simply do not. I barely answer my landline. This may be a  malady common to those of us who spent a gazillion years off and on working in occupations that involved answering the phone all the time.

It seems these phones get smarter and smarter all the time -- except when it  comes to the autocorrect thingy, which you'd think would be vastly superior to a mere human editor. However, from humor websites I've visited, I can tell that any feature which will change "china" to a very personal female body part while you're texting with your mother  is one which should not exist or should be deactivated at all times. Are they smart phones, or are they smart@ phones?

What's more, this cell phone is apparently now a must-have for children. And they're not cheap. We know you got Johnny his cell phone so he can call you from the snow drift with a "help help" - but think about how many times last year Johnny lost his mittens. And a cell phone is harder to pin to his coat. Johnny's going to get home just fine, but his phone is stuck somewhere in a snow drift with his mittens.

The cell phone is, for me, the final frontier. Fortunately for me, I rarely go anywhere and if I need rescuing I can always use my landline - or my iPad,Nook,laptop, or desktop.